I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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