My balls are so social today.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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