she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
not ubering you a puppy
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
