every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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