even my farts smell like vagina
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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