I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
