Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
