someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
