theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
