My liver just broke up with me...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize