i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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