Duck Duck Cougar?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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