Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
