Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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