There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
