Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Boobs are out for the taking
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
