I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Even my vagina gasped.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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