i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
