So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
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It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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