Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Randomize
