Will you blow on my dice?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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