I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
