It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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