I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
