you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
