Don't make out with my wife yet
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
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My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
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I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.