I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
