she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
