he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
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I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
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I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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