ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
