You kept calling me your small dog last night.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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