I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
