Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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