I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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