He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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