I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
