You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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