Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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