My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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