After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
