I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
