so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
