Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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