can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
