She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
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Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
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