I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
