well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
