Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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