I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You ruined the universe
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
