Please, let me fuck your mom
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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