There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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