Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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