we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
