Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
