he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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