Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
