It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
