i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
