In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
