I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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